True love.

That stupid cliché phrase, “You never know true love until you look into your child’s eyes,” or however it goes comes to mind right now. And oh man, I have to say it’s so true it hurts.

From the minute I found out I was pregnant this silent chant kept repeating itself in my head, “I can’t do this… I can’t do this.”. As much as everyone in my life loved to tell me that I was born to be a mother, I just never saw myself doing it. Even going into this relationship, it was something I brought up because I just never envisioned children in my future. For many reasons but a big one being because I still felt I was too selfish to be a parent. Once you know, once that seed (literal and figuratively) is planted, your whole life changes. From then on it’s not about what you want but what’s best for that child. It’s about providing and being responsible for another human being. I just could not see myself doing that. I spent countless hours talking to myself, arguing with myself. ” I can do this, I can do this… ” but I kept wondering what kind of mother I would be. I didn’t want to coddle her but I didn’t want to not show her enough affection. I didn’t want to be so laid back that she’d walk all over me but I also didn’t want to be so strict that she’d feel she couldn’t talk to me. I think I argued with myself up until they rolled me into the operating room. I just couldn’t fathom having that much responsibility, having this vulnerable, small human being be so dependent on me.

Becoming a mother terrified me beyond anything imaginable but the minute they put her in my arms none of that mattered. All that mattered was this little tiny blonde person staring up at me with these huge eyes. The instant and breathtaking amount of love you can feel is so overwhelming. It’s like nothing I could ever imagine. All the worry went away, we’ll figure it out along the way. She’s all that matters.

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My Penelope.

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